I’ve been in a funk lately. Well in all honesty I know it is more than a funk- it is flat out depression and I am finally admitting to it. Depression/anxiety is something I have struggled with my entire life. Medication to help my brain do all the normal things was my every day. Today I own it. Today I am saying fuck off to all the haters out there that will judge me for this. Today I am getting to my realist real because I no longer want to cover it up.
When Kelly and I decided to start trying for a baby in March I knew I would need to end my medication. It was a personal choice to go off of my depression medication. A choice that I felt was the right one for me. If we wanted to start baby making in March then I knew I needed a good 30 days without medication before we started. So in February I stopped taking something I knew I needed to hopefully get something I wanted. A baby.
I was on a weight loss journey and after losing 20lbs in a short period of time I thought that I could continue my goals sans my medication. Well I was wrong. Because with no medication comes depression for me. I lose all positivity and gain a blah attitude towards life. Sadness becomes my reality and food feels like it will be the only cure. So I eat. I eat lots. And you know what it doesn’t make me feel any better. Then I realize I’m still fat. I’m not the weight I want, so I eat more. So now I’m fat and sad and nothing seems to get better.
And you know what is so hard? Feeling like you have to choose between having a baby and your mental health. So if I want to have a healthy pregnancy and be medication free it means I am choosing to give up my mental stability and happiness. It fucking sucks!
I sat at a restaurant on Friday night with a girlfriend on the verge of tears because I knew my period was happening right at that very moment which means I was not pregnant. It feels like all the mental tormenting I have been putting myself through is not worth it when the other pink line doesn’t show up on the pregnancy test. It feels like I have failed.
I went to see a psychic (a card reader) on Friday night and she told me things that I want to believe because it makes me feel like it will all be easier and worth it one day. She also told me I’m too hard on myself and need to stop beating myself up. I chose to actually take her advice and take control on my own life yesterday. I’m not pregnant which means I’m 50lbs overweight, and I’m walking around in a gray cloud of depression and sadness. Enough is enough.
I don’t know what will happen in the baby department and I don’t know what will happen with my weight either. This I do know- I need to feel normal again. I need to feel like my normal self again.
This past few months has been rough for me and it has made me realize even more that I have the best husband in the world. This man loves me more than I could have ever imagined possible. I am so thankful that he has been willing to go on this journey with me to bring a baby into the world. He is my support and my rock and without him my world would not be the same.
I hope that things start going better for me. I hope I can get past feeling like a failure and do something about it. I hope that everything I dream for our family will one day be our reality.
Until then I’m working on me. I have to climb out of this hole and if it takes medication to do that than I am finally on board.
(*****Any decisions that have been made to take or not to take medication have been monitored by a physician*****)