I’ve been in a funk lately. Well in all honesty I know it is
more than a funk- it is flat out depression and I am finally admitting to it.
Depression/anxiety is something I have struggled with my entire life.
Medication to help my brain do all the normal
things was my every day. Today I own it. Today I am saying fuck off to all the
haters out there that will judge me for this. Today I am getting to my realist
real because I no longer want to cover it up.
When Kelly and I decided to start trying for a baby in March
I knew I would need to end my medication. It was a personal choice to go off of
my depression medication. A choice that I felt was the right one for me. If we
wanted to start baby making in March then I knew I needed a good 30 days
without medication before we started. So in February I stopped taking something
I knew I needed to hopefully get something I wanted. A baby.
I was on a weight loss journey and after losing 20lbs in a
short period of time I thought that I could continue my goals sans my
medication. Well I was wrong. Because with no medication comes depression for
me. I lose all positivity and gain a blah attitude towards life. Sadness becomes
my reality and food feels like it will be the only cure. So I eat. I eat lots. And
you know what it doesn’t make me feel any better. Then I realize I’m still fat.
I’m not the weight I want, so I eat more. So now I’m fat and sad and nothing
seems to get better.
And you know what is so
hard? Feeling like you have to choose
between having a baby and your mental health. So if I want to have a healthy pregnancy
and be medication free it means I am choosing to give up my mental stability
and happiness. It fucking sucks!
I sat at a restaurant on Friday night with a girlfriend
on the verge of tears because I knew my period was happening right at that very
moment which means I was not pregnant. It feels like all the mental tormenting I
have been putting myself through is not worth it when the other pink line doesn’t
show up on the pregnancy test. It feels like I have failed.
I went to see a psychic (a card reader) on Friday night and
she told me things that I want to believe because it makes me feel like it will
all be easier and worth it one day. She also told me I’m too hard on myself and
need to stop beating myself up. I chose to actually take her advice and take control
on my own life yesterday. I’m not pregnant which means I’m 50lbs overweight,
and I’m walking around in a gray cloud of depression and sadness. Enough is
enough.
I don’t know what will happen in the baby department and I
don’t know what will happen with my weight either. This I do know- I need to
feel normal again. I need to feel like my normal self again.
This past few months has been rough for me and it has made
me realize even more that I have the best husband in the world. This man loves
me more than I could have ever imagined possible. I am so thankful that he has
been willing to go on this journey with me to bring a baby into the world. He
is my support and my rock and without him my world would not be the same.
I hope that things start going better for me. I hope I can
get past feeling like a failure and do something about it. I hope that
everything I dream for our family will one day be our reality.
Until then I’m working on me. I have to climb out of this
hole and if it takes medication to do that than I am finally on board.
(*****Any
decisions that have been made to take or not to take medication have been
monitored by a physician*****)
Thank you for posting this. So many women can relate to this exactly.
ReplyDeleteI stopped taking my medication (per doctor's recommendation)about 3-4 months ago. At first I felt fantastic, but every now and then I get a couple of really bad days and feel terrible. Luckily my doctor said that I can take something if I would like as long as it's at a low dose. I know this is an option and hope I don't have to take it, but if I do...so be it!
Having a healthy mom and baby is the key. No one needs to be a martyr while they're trying (or are) pregnant! If your doctor is ok with it, then you do what's best for you.
I hope you start feeling better soon. It can be a big stuggle, but it sounds like you have a great support system to help you get through :)
Oh girl, I too struggle with depression to this day. As my psychiatrist says, I just don't have the "right" brain chemicals. Here's what I do know...I love to eat when I'm depressed but then I go through the same vicious cycle you've described. I found myself there when we were in the very beginning stagesnofnhoping toget pregnant. Want to know what I did? I started working out. It was awful at first. I threw myself into P-90X like no other. And three weeks later I was loving it. And I was happier. That was step one. As for no medication....talk to your doctor about safe medications during pregnancy, they DO exist. But if you're not comfortable with that, my go-to is acupuncture. I went while pregnant with J for my severe morning sickness and now I swear by it. My acupuncturist actually specializes in infertility but really you'd be surprised at the array of areas in which they can help. And not everything involves needles, but I can say I have a major phobia of needles but no fear of acupuncture.
ReplyDeleteSo, there's my two cents. Every woman's journey is different but you'll get there. The other key item? Sounds like you've got it already, a supportive partner. Thinking of you :)
Good for you for putting yourself first! When you have littles it's so hard to do that but I'm glad you are making yourself a priority. The rest will fall into place. And don't worry about the haters either.
ReplyDeleteI suffer from antenatal depression, so when I'm pregnant, my depression gets WORSE. And that's saying a lot because it can get pretty bad. So, my last two pregnancies, I made the decision to stay on my meds. I had to. I could not have coped otherwise, and I also knew that (for me) the postpartum depression would hit hard, quickly. So being on meds helped me not have to deal with that.
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what's right for you, for your family. No guilt involved. :)
I love this post!! I too have had to take medecine for depression/anxiety and I finally stopped taking it last year and thats when i ventured on my weight loss journey. I tell you what exercsing has been great and keepts my head clear. It was not easy to get off of the meds and I was a mad woman for a couple weeks but I stuck through it. I know how you feel and I am sure many woman out there do too! I will say a prayer for you and that you can get through this hump :)
ReplyDeleteI love that u r REAL, honest and above all realzing that you come first. So many times we (women) put everyon above rselfs!!! I pray that you find the balance between your weight issues, your depression and at the end of the road u r blessed with a baby. I do believe things happen for a reason! Good luck!
ReplyDelete