Fat Tuesday

Ready for another round of Fat Tuesday? Well ready or not here it is! Okay, so here are the stats:

January 3^rd I started the P.I.N.K. Method- weighing in at a whopping 209.2 lbs!

January 10^th I weighed in and was down -9 lbs! (That was an exciting week)

January 17^th I weighed in and was down -2 lbs (not too shabby)

January 24^th I weighed in and was down ONLY -.02 lbs (That was a disappointing week. I felt like I had worked so hard and never even once “cheated” and those were my results.)

January 31^st I weighed in and was down – 3.8lbs

FOR A TOTAL OF  15 LBS LOST IN 4 WEEKS!!!

Here are the fat negatives:

-I ONLY worked out 2x this past week. I know, I know  I need to push myself, but I was having a super hard time waking up at 5:30am and as you can see from yesterday’s post I accomplished absolutely nothing over the weekend.

-The end of week 4 was a carb challenge. I am PMSing and I craved nothing but carbs! So Saturday night I had 15 Ritz crackers, a handful or oyster crackers, and a piece of string cheese. So I added an additional 200ish calories to my day that were NOT necessary. I will say I did not spend too much time beating myself up about all this because at the end of the day it could have been much worse. On previous diets if I was having an “off day” I would go out to dinner, have a burger & fries, 3+ beers, and finish the night off with Menchies Ice Cream. So compared to that I did GREAT!

-I’m starting to feel REALLY OVER VEGETABLES!!!

-I really regret NOT taking a before picture and before measurements L I was so down in the dumps about how I looked I just couldn’t bear to do more than weigh in. I now REALLY regret that.

-I still REALLY hate to sweat and it makes me not want to work out as much (so sad, but true).

-I have o drink 102oz of water EVERYDAY. This said it makes me have to pee every 5 seconds like a pregnant lady.

Here are the fat positives:

-Even though the scale numbers aren’t reflecting exactly what I would like them to- I know I am loosing inches. I don’t know how many inches because as I mentioned before I did not take my measurements.

-I am able to fit back into my FAVORITE yoga pants!!! (See picture below)

-My curves are coming back. Hello curves-where have you been?!?! When I was a size 16 I was just like one big roly poly and I had NO waist.

-I was actually able to put on a bra for the 1^st time in months without feeling like my boobs were being suffocated to death. Now I will say if I could have kept my “fat boobs” and dropped the weight I would have been happy with that. But I can’t have it all OR maybe I can? I have wanted to have my boobs done FOREVER, but after fainting in the plastic surgeon’s office I have not been back. Maybe after baby?

-I feel healthier and more energetic!

-My Siter-in-law came in to town yesterday for the day. Everyone ordered pizza for dinner. I on the other hand ate salmon,broccoli, and a sweet potato and I felt really good about this choice! My SIL even said at the end of the meal "this pizza was really good, but Lindsay's meal looked even better."

-I am really enjoying my smoothies that I only get to have on days I workout (this should be every day, but as you have read I’m not doing so well with the workout thing)

I hope everyone knows I am not trying to throw anything in anyone’s face (or brag) when I write my Fat Tuesday blog. I am just trying to share with the world what I am currently battling. I hope to inspire you and not make you feel bad about yourself, your current weight, and/or  your own weight loss struggles.

On a side note- I got my hair cut on Friday and I hope to be able to stick to New Year’s Resolution #1  and STAY AWAY FROM HEADBANDS!

(Wearing no make-up does not look as cute as it did 10 years ago. Hell even 5 years ago.)

Messy Mom Monday

This week I am linking up with Jess (www.dudeandsweets.com) & Brittany (www.brittsbeat.com) for Messy Mom Monday- I know exciting right! The problem with the current state of my home is that O&G were gone this weekend and I should NOT be on Messy Mom Monday today, because given I have had two child free days my home should be in mint condition. But life is messy right? OR more honestly I am lazy. While my husband was doing laundry and then out enjoying a bachelor party I sat at home in my pajama's enjoying my free weekend of HBO (I enjoyed some VERY good movies). So yes- I have been VERY productive this weekend. So here it is (let's start upstairs and work our way down):

This is our bedroom (I’m only giving a door shot-the further you go in the worse it gets). We NEVER make our bed (unless it is a day the cleaning people have come- then that is when you will find it made). See those clothes piled on top of the red suitcases? Well actually they are two suitcases and the one on the bottom happens to be from our trip to Mexico in August. I know REALLY SAD! The second suitcase is from our trip to Nashville in October. There is seriously something wrong with me and I am sure I am embarrassing the hell out of my Husband by showing this to the world.

Next up O’s room. I have no words for this and see clothes still all over the floor!

Now Gracie’s room. Yup Clothes are still in the same situation as last week. What is wrong with me?!?!

The hallway- where O&G’s overnight bag from staying at Grandma and Pa’s house (Kelly’s Parents) is still sitting from 2 weeks ago.

Hallway bathroom where O&G and sometimes me get ready (can kids ever just keep toothpaste in the sink?!?!)

Formal dining room where this pile has been sitting since Tuesday. My husband asked me to update his picture frames for work and see I have yet to make it a priority.

Desk in our Kitchen

Kitchen (the sink was too gross to show you)

Our shoe area in the garage

Laundry sitting in our family room. All folded up and yet here it sits.

And now for the playroom. Now I will say we fully believe at 5 and 7 O&G should be able to clean up their own mess- so here it sits until we force them to do that.

And just so I can make myself feel a tad better here is our formal living room. It stays clean because NO ONE is allowed in it! In our formal dining room sits all the photos that should be hanging on the walls in here- oh well, we will get it together one day. My motivation for making this house my own is low seeing as we will only be here another 18 months or so.

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!!!

Putting the Past to Rest

Okay, so here goes nothing. I have been struggling with the decision to write or not to write about this topic. It is in the past and that is where I would like it to stay, but then I realized I have never really publicly talked about this topic. I also feel it will help readers get to know me and our family a little better. And if nothing else this is my blog so maybe writing about this will be therapeutic and really help me close the door on the past. This blog will also explain why we have not expanded our family yet.

I never wanted to get married. I was never the girl that dreamt of her wedding day and the person who would be standing at the altar. The only dream I ever had for my life was to be a Mother. I have wanted to be a Mother since as far back as I can remember. When everyone else would say they wanted to grow up and be a teacher, nurse, firefighter etc. My answer would always be “I want to be a Mommy.”

This dream became a reality in April 2010. Well technically in March 2010, but we did not find out about the little nugget until April. Surprisingly my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I were a little shocked. Excited, but shocked (why we were shocked I will never know seeing as we knew what we were doingJ). After the news sank in I was beyond excited! I couldn’t wait to tell everyone close to us.

One of the first calls I made was to my OB to set up an appointment to confirm everything.  I was a little surprised that they would be unable to get me in until week 8, but I got over it with thoughts of planning the future. Kelly (my now husband, but boyfriend at the time) and I had agreed to tell O&G who were at the time 6 and 4. The girls were also beyond excited! Telling them was a stupid decision and one that I still regret to this day.

Week 8 came and went and we were scheduled to go back at week 11 for an ultrasound. I felt great and so excited to see the baby on the screen! I never had any morning sickness, but the fatigue, and having to pee every 5 seconds sucked. But I will take that ANYDAY over morning sickness! My belly was also starting to grow a little.

Week 11 came and while Olivia was at school Kelly, G, and I all headed to the OB to see a glimpse of what was growing inside of me. While waiting for the doctor we read G a story about becoming a big sister. She was so excited! When the doctor came in we went over everything. She tried to hear the heartbeat several times, but assured us that at 11 weeks and 2 days that it was completely normal to not be able to hear it yet. We moved to the ultrasound room where the doctor tired to get a visual of the fetus by running the wand over my belly (I don’t know all the technical terms for this stuff). She couldn’t see anything, but still assured us that it was still very early and completely normal. She called in another doctor to do a vaginal ultrasound. G was in the room with us and excited to see her new baby. The doctor came in, got set up, and within 10 seconds our lives changed forever. The fetus was not a fetus it was in fact a grape vine. My baby looked like a bunch of grapes! It all happened so fast- he told us this was a molar pregnancy and it would have to be removed the following morning by DNC. What?!?! How could this happen?!?! How could they lead us on like this?!?! The female doctor in the room said “I have never seen this before” I felt like a science project- bad timing lady. It left G wondering where her baby was. It was hard to talk let alone explain anything to a 4 year old in that moment.

June 2010 I had my DNC. We were sad, but the doctor told us we could start trying again in 3 months. That was a comforting feeling. He told me I would have to get weekly blood work done just to make sure my HcG (pregnancy hormone levels) were going down. He also mentioned that there was a less than 1% chance that the moles could come back as cancer, but he had been in practice for almost 30 years and had NEVER seen that happen before. So we put it out of our minds. In the mean time I had decided that Kelly and I should get married. I thought if I could focus on planning a wedding then the baby loss would be forgotten. So we picked the only Saturday that fall that didn’t have an OSU game going on. Now that the date was set- we hired a wedding planner to help us through this process.

I went every week just like I was supposed to for my blood work.  In July the doctor mentioned my HcG levels had started going back up, but not to worry he would keep monitoring it and he also sent me for a CT scan.

On August 2^nd 2010 I went into the doctor’s office for the CT scan results. It was NOT good- he told me I had a rare form of cancer and it had now spread to my lungs. WTF! On August 3^rd (my birthday) I went to see a doctor that specialized in this. I later found out it was called Gestational Trophoblastic Disease (GTD) a group of rare tumors that were in my uterus (explains why it looked like grape vines). The specialist was VERY dramatic. He basically said I was going to die, but he was going to go on Vacation so I would need to go to OSU and get this handled. Seriously?!?!

That is how we found the most wonderful doctor (Dr. David O’Malley). On August 4^th, 2010 (you know it is serious when you can get doctor’s appointments in the blink of an eye) I went to see Dr. O’Malley and he told me yes this was cancer and I was going to need to start Chemotherapy the next day.

On August 5^th, 2010 Chemo started (that was the craziest week of my life- I went from normal to cancer to chemo in 4 days). The chemotherapy could have been worse. I didn't have to have multiple meds and wires in me at once. I also was thankful I did not have to be there for 8 hours like all the women surrounding me in the hospital. I did have to get blood work done at Lab Corp every week to measure my HcG levels (I started to become friends with the staff I was there so much) and Chemo every other week. I had so many needles in and out of my arms I was able to tell all the nurses which spots worked best.  The hardest part was trying to keep everything together. I felt that if I showed I was fine everyone else would be too. I threw myself into wedding planning, and as I got weaker we had to hire a Nanny to help with O&G.

On the week of our wedding we scheduled chemo to happen the Monday before instead of Wednesday in hopes that I wouldn’t be so sick for our Saturday nuptials. That was a rough week. My wedding planner starting talking about canceling the wedding, but I pushed through and September 4^th, 2010 was the best most beautiful day of my life. It was not only my wedding, but the day Kelly, O, G, and I officially became a family.

November 2010 chemotherapy ended. It was after Chemo was over that I started losing my hair. That was hard. I had to get monthly blood draws and if all stayed on track we would be able to start trying for a baby in 6 months. Well who would want to after all this? I was drained and scared. I held all my emotions inside. During this time period I managed to gain 40lbs (I am an emotional eater), so when the 6 month period was up I was now too overweight to get pregnant (for my standards). Those 6 months were really rough on our marriage. Actually to be honest the first year was REALLY hard. Getting married didn't fix anything. It didn't bring back losing a pregnancy. I have worked very hard to process all of this and get past it. I went to therapy and even tried medication. Nothing worked. So it is true that time heals all wounds. Communication, love, and time.

O&G know nothing about the cancer and I would like to keep it that way. We did have to tell them that the baby could not live in my belly and that one day another baby will be inside my belly. It was hard for them to understand. To this day G still talks about how the baby in my belly died (to hear those words come out of her mouth is gut wrenching for me). I wish we never had told them, but you can’t undo what has been done.

So all this is why we have yet to have add a baby to our family. I am on a weight loss journey and we hope to start trying in March 2012. I don’t like to tell people about this. I don’t like labels and I never want to be called a “survivor.” I am not a victim. I have only played the “cancer card” one time, and that was to get out of a gym contract (I know sad, but true).

Getting married didn't "fix" what I thought I would, but I am so happy we made that decision. It has been a long road but we are happily married. Everyone had good and bad days, but we are best friends and partners in life. This has been a LONG process for me to go through emotionally to get to where I am today, but I am now officially able to close this chapter.

TGIF!

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

This was the scene at the breakfast table yesterday morning (courtesy of 5 year old G).

I feel like this happens every morning!!! There was even a point not too long ago I made her go back to sippy cups because the spills were happening every meal. Of course she earned her “big girl” cup back and here we again.  It’s just milk and accidents do happen- right? Sometimes I just get tired of cleaning up after people. I know I know it is all in the “job description.” How nice would it be to have a “perfect” morning where no one argued, complained, asked “how many more bites”, got ready all on their own, and of course didn’t spill their milk? A girl can dream right?

At least G only spilled milk. Milk you can clean up. I on the other hand accidently broke our camera. I am VERY saddened by this. I LOVE our camera! It was a gift from my Mom and it means a lot to me. For 5 years that camera has helped me us document all of our family memories and now it only produces images like this one

(The camera was being held horizontal not vertical when this picture was taken L)

I even got in an argument with my husband last night over this incident. I wanted him to feel more sympathetic to the loss of our camera (can you tell I struggle with change) instead he made a joke and was excited to buy some new technology. At the end of the day it was an accident. Just like how G spilled her milk (total accident).

Life is NOT perfect. It is instead messy, full of accidents, and many less than perfect moments. But when I step back and look at the big picture I realize I really should spend less time being annoyed by the things that were an accident and more time being thankful I get to spend these moments with O&G. Before I know it they will be all grown up and not even want to eat breakfast with me anymore OR smile for my camera. (Remind me to read this blog every time I am feeling annoyed, irritated, or angry).

On a side note – 24 days into January I broke New Year’s resolution # 1. Yes, I am currently rockin a pony tail headband hair style (so sad). I get my hair cut tomorrow, so hopefully this will put me back on track.

F-O-U-R Letter Words

Okay so I have a problem with fowl language. I am aware of it, I admit to it, I know I should not say bad words in front of O&G or any children for that matter, but yet I can’t seem to change my potty mouth. 

I don’t really have a sensor. I mean I don’t say the F word to my Grandmother, but I do say it ALL THE TIME to my Mom and pretty much anyone else I am talking to. Sorry if I offend anyone, but I just feel it sounds better with what I am trying to express in that moment. OR maybe that is just an excuse?  Maybe adults use bad words because we can finally say them freely without getting in trouble. Maybe it helps us feel more like adults? OR maybe that is yet again another excuse?

Bad words are a no-no in our household (obviously for O&G), but my husband and I seem to have trouble following this rule. We also seem to have a long list of bad words that include but are not limited to stupid, hate, butt, and all four letter words. The other night while dinner was being made (not by me of course). The girls were in the play room when all of a sudden we heard “DAMMIT!!!” being yelled by 7 year old O. After laughing to ourselves I went to reprimand her for her words. She said “oh sorry. It’s just that I just really messed up bad on my picture.” Ha- really? Like that was going to cut it? Not in this household. When you use bad words here this is what happens:

Looking back on the situation I wonder why parents work so hard to teach their children not to say “bad words.” I mean really who are we kidding? We all know those words because of our parents. I started saying bad words (like the really bad ones) when I was in middle school. So at thirteen or fourteen years of age I was saying cuss words all the time with my friends. Never in front of my parents.  But then one day it just became okay to say bad words in front of my Mom. When and how does this happen? I know it’s not like this for everyone- my husband would never say bad words in front of his Mother. His dad is a different story, but never his Mom.
I was recently watching Modern Family and the story line was about how Cam and Mitchell’s daughter Lilly said the F word. Now my husband and I laughed so hard. It was funny! Really funny! Maybe it is just humorous when coming from someone else’s children? When G said “Shit” after dropping her napkin at lunch one day I asked her what she said thinking it couldn’t possibly be what I think it is and she looked me right in the eye and said “I said shit. It is what I say when I drop something.” I was stunned! Where would she learn something like that and then feel comfortable using it?!?!

Fast forward to last night. We watch American Idol as a family (episodes recorded on the DVR of course) and as we were all watching and conversing back in forth about the contestants I realized my husband was (I was possibly guilty as well) dropping all kinds of bad words in front of O&G! Well folks now we know where they get it from. Can we blame them for using them when I myself am not the best example? Last night in the car on the way home from G’s gymnastics this is how our conversation went:

G: “Lindsay there are two kinds of damn.”

Me: “Really? What are the kinds?!?!”

G: “The first damn is a wall that holds stuff” (I’m now feeling relieved)

G: “The second damn is really god damn and he is a man that you are angry with” (Not feeling relieved anymore- now I’m horrified and don’t know what to say!!!)

Me: “Okay, well you know damn is a bad word and we should never use it- EVER!”

I’m not sure when the transition happens when bad words become acceptable words to say, but I do know I don’t want to hear them at this stage in the game from my beautiful innocent little girls. There WILL be consequences! But hey I will continue to laugh out loud when someone else’s little angle uses a four letter word. J

Happy hump day!

Fat Tuesday

I am currently on a journey to lose weight. Eating healthy and weighing in has become a HUGE part of my life right now, so while I am on this journey I have decided to make every blog Tuesday “Fat Tuesday.”

Here are the fat facts: I have gained A LOT of weight. Weight is something that I have yo-yoed on my whole life, but I recently weighed in at my heaviest EVER! 209 lbs YIKES!!! I remember joking around many times with my husband  with questions like "will you still love me even if I am 200 lbs.?" Of course he would always say “yes”- followed by “I’m sure you won’t ever let that happen.” Well I did (and believe it or not it was surprisingly easy to do), and yes he still loves me no matter what my weight is, but I certainly don’t feel as beautiful/attractive like this.

The journey I am on is called the P.I.N.K. Method a diet  lifestyle change that I would highly recommend! So far it has been 3 weeks and I am down  11.2 lbs (I only lost .2lbs this week. Maybe I lost inches or built muscle?!?!). I am trying to stay positive, so not terrible, right? But let’s be honest this has really only worked so far for me because A) even my fat clothes didn’t fit anymore, so I HAD to make a change and B) I want to have a baby more than anything in this entire world. To be able to do this I need to lose weight so I am not weighing in at 300 lbs by the end of my pregnancy.

When I have told people about my food/workout routine (to accomplish this said routine I have to wake up at 5:30 am) I am hearing words like “inspirational” being used. Maybe I have a hard time taking compliments, but inspiring? That is not at all how I feel. How I feel is fat. Yes I am down 11.2 lbs, but I am still an obese person (at least by health book standards). I weigh 198 lbs and I have A LONG way to go, but I do greatly appreciate all the support I have had along the way.

Here are the fat truths:

-I miss drinking alcohol (terribly). I know it has lots of calories, but to unwind after a long day with a glass or 2 or 3 of wine is a true love of mine.

-I HATE WORKING OUT! Yes it makes me feel good after I am done, but it takes everything I have to get up early and into the freezing car to head to the gym. I also hate to sweat.

-I really dislike cooking. I can bake all day long, but cooking is not something I enjoy. So without my husband (Kelly) this diet would not be possible. He makes ALL the food.

-Tuesday is my weigh in day. I refuse to weigh myself more than once a week. Mostly I believe I do this out of fear of the results every day.

-I miss macaroni & cheese terribly. The girls had it last night for dinner and it was so hard for me not to have a bite.

But hearing the girls play restaurant in the playroom where they make strawberry smoothies so they can eat like me makes my heart melt.  In the end this journey will all be worth it because the weight will come off and that will (hopefully) lead to a healthy beautiful baby.

So sad, but very true

I pride myself on being an organized person/Mom. I get compliments all the time- which is great because it makes me feel like all the work I put into getting ready for an outing or organizing a closet was well worth it! Not only can I find things, but I’m getting praise from others (which in my world of being a SAHM makes me feel valued- I know silly, but true).


 On any day you can come into my home and open up a cabinet and it will look like this

My MIL even told me she feels comfortable working her way around my kitchen. She knows everything has a place so therefore she knows I will not be embarrassed for her to open anything up.

Fast forward to today. Here is a picture of G’s bedroom closet . . .

. . . And yes the clothes in the baskets, the floor, her drawers, and even on her desk are ALL clean! It has looked like this for several weeks now. It has gotten to the point where O&G can’t even pick out their own clothes because I have to dig through baskets to find things they want/need.

And you know what? I HAVE NO MOTIVATION TO CLEAN IT UP! Zip, zero, nada. Even though I don’t feel like fixing this “issue” I do feel terrible that the girls are currently experiencing this with their clothing. Now some would say “aren’t they hold enough to put away their own clothes?” YES! Good question- but I am so controlling as to how their closets are organized I won’t can’t let go of that control. I know so sad. I am sure I am teaching them zero responsibility and I am sure I am being a bad influence on how to keep a clean room etc. But hey at least my kitchen cabinets are organized right?

Now that I have literally aired my dirty laundry maybe this will hold me accountable and make me want to clean up O&G’s closets? We shall see. Ask me in a few days and maybe just maybe I will have accomplished something. OR maybe I won’t, but just know that in order for O&G to have an outfit on I had to literally dig through a basket.

But isn’t it true that the finished product is what matters and not how you got there? J

New Year & New Changes. . .

I am not one who really believes in New Year resolutions or I guess I should say I am not one who really sticks to New Year resolutions- ever. This year for 2012 I have vowed to be different and seeing as we are 22 days into the New Year so far so good! Maybe this year is different because I really had no other choice but to change. Here is what I was forced chose to change.

1.       NO MORE HEADBANDS! Okay so here is the background- I have been wearing headbands for the past 5 years. It started as an occasional thing and over time made its way into my everyday hairstyle. At the end of 2011 (December) I started seeing a new hair dresser (hard choice since I was with my old one for 13 years, but another story for another time). This new said hair dresser brought to my attention all the breakage in the front of my hair (I was aware of the breakage and the cause, but choose my love of headbands over healthy hair) and she somehow convinced me to change! WOW change for me is so hard! So I had to get my hair cut short enough so I would not be tempted to rock the ponytail with headband hair do.

 Before:

After:

Not too bad right? And my husband loves that I wear my hair down every day now, and better yet so do I!

2.       My weight. Ugh, this is a hard topic- but it is also definitely hard to ignore. When I met my husband I was a size 8/10 and currently I am a size 16. Weighing in at 209lbs. Scary! I HAD to make a change. On January 3^rd I started a new diet (The P.I.N.K. Method) I highly recommend it! In 14 days I lost 11lbs (more updates on this journey to come in the future).

3.       A blog. This is something I have been thinking about for a LONG time but I have never been brave enough to write one. I LOVE to write. I don’t believe I am good at it, but I really enjoy writing. So here it is my blog. A look inside my head and my life “From Nanny to Family.”

3 for 3- not too bad right? Hopefully this blog will keep me accountable for New Year’s resolutions 1&2. I want this blog to be about me and my life and everything that comes with it. I am an honest person so you are going to read nothing less than truthful, bold, honest thoughts.